If'n I....it's my story, I'm sticking to it!

"Oh little star of Volvo" 

Found this on the puter - {Papa J and Emma loved our car too...}

If'n I needed encouragement, I came to the right place! I have to say, after my last cry fest I thought perhaps this blogging thing needs to be curtailed! Perhaps I should self therapy somewhere else! BUT NO!  I couldn't believe the next morning and my dear sweetest of the sweetest friends had actually not only ready my sniff fest BUT chosen to pray and encourage me too! THANK YOU Jesus for sweet friends! EVEN if we are separated by hundreds if not thousands of miles!  WHAT did Paul do without the internet?  Wow....

WELL then - I want to start my moment of therapy with an acknowledgement.  THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE - I will REJOICE and be GLAD in it!!! Thank you Jesus for today!

Now - on to today’s, predicament and preponderances’....

Infertility.

A dirty little secret word that friends don't ask friends about.

People think but don't mention.

And, if you happen to share (outside a self help group of ladies who are bare and empty of tummy) than often you are given the ohhhh and hmmm and gooolllly that's hard.

And, hey, that's ok.  Because what are they supposed to say?  They don’t know what to say either!

BUT so often that leads the barest of ladies to just stop mentioning anything.  THEN the real treat starts -

INFERTILITY TREATMENTS...

Talk about a dirty word!  I hear, second, third, and fourth hand, that pregnancy hormones are hard.  That you grouch, cry, and scream for no apparent reason.   Well, there is an apparent reason - you are growing a new little, itty bitty, baby!!!

Ok, now imagine giving all those great hormones to your hubby.  How would he react?  All the hormones, but none of the "fruit" of the pain.

That's infertility treatments.  You dare to hope this emotional rollercoaster (caused by copious amounts of craze inducing hormones) will bring fourth - LIFE.  But often it doesn't, statistically it probably won't.  BUT you poor thousands of $$$$ into it.

Ok, got that off my back.  I have done this, thousands paid to ask Dr's to help make me crazy.  Well, one time in TX I thought it had worked (crazy, not prego!).  I was snappy, I cried, I was MAD at the pills, shots, creams, and ointments.  So I told the dr.

OOPS.

She said, hey, this affects everyone like this, let's put you on this drug (should have taken notice there!!!) for a "while" and then when this works (yeah, worked like a charm) we will just take you off (left of the part about withdrawal from lands beyond the living...) THUS entered Meg (who foolishly listened and didn't research this dear drug) into the world of EFFEXOR.

Shiver me timbers......

Yep, I felt better.  I wasn't snappy... I am sure people at the church thought that an invader had taken over Meg for the previous several months.  Remember not talking about INFERTILITY?  Well, then, no one knows WHY you are a venomous snake - and if you say, it's the hormones, then well - people say, control yourself.... I would, but it’s the HORMONES they are SHOOTING into me!!!!! Sigh.... Well, all the effects went away, seemed like a GREAT thing.

Then we found out we had to move...

Dr. says; stay on it, when you find new dr. to help do your treatments they will get you off after you get Prego.

That was over two years ago.

One adoption ago.

And a million headaches ago.

Still of EFFEXOR....

Remember me mentioning the withdrawal from beyond?  Well - it's bad....

OK.  Now we are caught up - and tada! I am 3/4 of the way off!  Well, let's say, today was my first day on the 3/4 off; I was 1/2 off yesterday.

Nasty nasty stuff....

After tears and withdrawal illnesses I found a great friend in the local pharmacist. With the help of a NATURAL (always a fan of nature!!!) supplement.  I am actually getting off this mind altering concoction.  BUTTTTTT that has left me with a desire to never never listen to Dr’s without researching again!  I have had to slowwwwly get off this drug - a quarter percent at a time, and with each drop down I have four or five days of headaches, illness, dizziness, tears - name it and I could probably claim it!

And that's with this amazing supplement.

I had tried to "titrate” off of it without the supplement.  Got two days through and had to go to bed.  IT was THAT bad.  Couldn't cope - couldn't parent, cook, eat, or even walk!  These strange brain flashes (very real, actual side affects!!!) that would be like an electrical punch through the head) were so horrendous that I was left in bed for the day.

Poor Brad Baby.

BUT with the supplement (its called 5-HTP) I have been able to get off!!!! PRAISE GOD!

I feel great.  BUT today is one of my drop off days.  I feel very strongly that I need to drop off this stuff - all together.  I recently found out that this Effexor is a class C drug - meaning you CAN NOT take it if you are Prego AT ALL!  Well then, dear dr., WHY DID YOU PUT ME ON IT?!?! SO so so...sigh.../

ALL THIS TO SAY (getting tired of my caps?!!!)

I am so excited to be this far in three weeks!  A bit worried as to how I will feel by this evening.  I usually do ok until the evening of the second day with the decreased dose.  SO again, if you get to this part of my story - please pray for Brad, Emma, and Josie - and for me, as we venture to get mom/maggie off of a drug that she didn't need in the first place!

IF you happen to be on an SSRI or getting off of one, I would recommend the 5-HTP like CRAZY! It is the only thing that has allowed me to venture getting off of this med.  It makes me wonder how many people feel stuck on it!

OH - my lemon tree looks ripe! I bet the grapefruit are too!!!

Thank you for letting me tell my story.  To admit to infertility - the joys of adoption and God's hand in my life!  I recently found out that I had an underlying thyroid issue, and couldn't have gotten Prego with all those treatments anyway.  (how did they miss that one?!!)  BUT I know,  I kNOW, that Jesus needed us to take our Emmi and our Josie and love them for him!  Speaking of which, the second munchkin is yelling!

Got to go.  kisses and hugs to all - even Miles if he is reading!

me

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If'n I....it's my story, I'm sticking to it!

"Oh little star of Volvo" 

Found this on the puter - {Papa J and Emma loved our car too...}

If'n I needed encouragement, I came to the right place! I have to say, after my last cry fest I thought perhaps this blogging thing needs to be curtailed! Perhaps I should self therapy somewhere else! BUT NO!  I couldn't believe the next morning and my dear sweetest of the sweetest friends had actually not only ready my sniff fest BUT chosen to pray and encourage me too! THANK YOU Jesus for sweet friends! EVEN if we are separated by hundreds if not thousands of miles!  WHAT did Paul do without the internet?  Wow....

WELL then - I want to start my moment of therapy with an acknowledgement.  THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE - I will REJOICE and be GLAD in it!!! Thank you Jesus for today!

Now - on to today’s, predicament and preponderances’....

Infertility.

A dirty little secret word that friends don't ask friends about.

People think but don't mention.

And, if you happen to share (outside a self help group of ladies who are bare and empty of tummy) than often you are given the ohhhh and hmmm and gooolllly that's hard.

And, hey, that's ok.  Because what are they supposed to say?  They don’t know what to say either!

BUT so often that leads the barest of ladies to just stop mentioning anything.  THEN the real treat starts -

INFERTILITY TREATMENTS...

Talk about a dirty word!  I hear, second, third, and fourth hand, that pregnancy hormones are hard.  That you grouch, cry, and scream for no apparent reason.   Well, there is an apparent reason - you are growing a new little, itty bitty, baby!!!

Ok, now imagine giving all those great hormones to your hubby.  How would he react?  All the hormones, but none of the "fruit" of the pain.

That's infertility treatments.  You dare to hope this emotional rollercoaster (caused by copious amounts of craze inducing hormones) will bring fourth - LIFE.  But often it doesn't, statistically it probably won't.  BUT you poor thousands of $$$$ into it.

Ok, got that off my back.  I have done this, thousands paid to ask Dr's to help make me crazy.  Well, one time in TX I thought it had worked (crazy, not prego!).  I was snappy, I cried, I was MAD at the pills, shots, creams, and ointments.  So I told the dr.

OOPS.

She said, hey, this affects everyone like this, let's put you on this drug (should have taken notice there!!!) for a "while" and then when this works (yeah, worked like a charm) we will just take you off (left of the part about withdrawal from lands beyond the living...) THUS entered Meg (who foolishly listened and didn't research this dear drug) into the world of EFFEXOR.

Shiver me timbers......

Yep, I felt better.  I wasn't snappy... I am sure people at the church thought that an invader had taken over Meg for the previous several months.  Remember not talking about INFERTILITY?  Well, then, no one knows WHY you are a venomous snake - and if you say, it's the hormones, then well - people say, control yourself.... I would, but it’s the HORMONES they are SHOOTING into me!!!!! Sigh.... Well, all the effects went away, seemed like a GREAT thing.

Then we found out we had to move...

Dr. says; stay on it, when you find new dr. to help do your treatments they will get you off after you get Prego.

That was over two years ago.

One adoption ago.

And a million headaches ago.

Still of EFFEXOR....

Remember me mentioning the withdrawal from beyond?  Well - it's bad....

OK.  Now we are caught up - and tada! I am 3/4 of the way off!  Well, let's say, today was my first day on the 3/4 off; I was 1/2 off yesterday.

Nasty nasty stuff....

After tears and withdrawal illnesses I found a great friend in the local pharmacist. With the help of a NATURAL (always a fan of nature!!!) supplement.  I am actually getting off this mind altering concoction.  BUTTTTTT that has left me with a desire to never never listen to Dr’s without researching again!  I have had to slowwwwly get off this drug - a quarter percent at a time, and with each drop down I have four or five days of headaches, illness, dizziness, tears - name it and I could probably claim it!

And that's with this amazing supplement.

I had tried to "titrate” off of it without the supplement.  Got two days through and had to go to bed.  IT was THAT bad.  Couldn't cope - couldn't parent, cook, eat, or even walk!  These strange brain flashes (very real, actual side affects!!!) that would be like an electrical punch through the head) were so horrendous that I was left in bed for the day.

Poor Brad Baby.

BUT with the supplement (its called 5-HTP) I have been able to get off!!!! PRAISE GOD!

I feel great.  BUT today is one of my drop off days.  I feel very strongly that I need to drop off this stuff - all together.  I recently found out that this Effexor is a class C drug - meaning you CAN NOT take it if you are Prego AT ALL!  Well then, dear dr., WHY DID YOU PUT ME ON IT?!?! SO so so...sigh.../

ALL THIS TO SAY (getting tired of my caps?!!!)

I am so excited to be this far in three weeks!  A bit worried as to how I will feel by this evening.  I usually do ok until the evening of the second day with the decreased dose.  SO again, if you get to this part of my story - please pray for Brad, Emma, and Josie - and for me, as we venture to get mom/maggie off of a drug that she didn't need in the first place!

IF you happen to be on an SSRI or getting off of one, I would recommend the 5-HTP like CRAZY! It is the only thing that has allowed me to venture getting off of this med.  It makes me wonder how many people feel stuck on it!

OH - my lemon tree looks ripe! I bet the grapefruit are too!!!

Thank you for letting me tell my story.  To admit to infertility - the joys of adoption and God's hand in my life!  I recently found out that I had an underlying thyroid issue, and couldn't have gotten Prego with all those treatments anyway.  (how did they miss that one?!!)  BUT I know,  I kNOW, that Jesus needed us to take our Emmi and our Josie and love them for him!  Speaking of which, the second munchkin is yelling!

Got to go.  kisses and hugs to all - even Miles if he is reading!

me

Read More

Please Wait!

Which moment do I write about?

The moment of oh no, or oh no - or how about oh no.  Oh no B went to bed and the plants in the planters are still outside - never mind that it weighs in as a small elephant - but I managed to drag it inside.  I lost all all alllll my plants several years ago during an unfortunate winter move cross country.  Turns out when you park a moving van in a winter storm over night - it doesn't matter how toasty you are inside.  The plants still mush and disintegrate.  Completely.  Every last one... Now that I only have, say five, I'm a bit protective.

OR do I self therapy as to the thought crud.  Christmas is in three weeks.  We just had my birthday, we just had Thanksgiving.  I'm not ready for this.  I am ready for family, for fun, for my dear daughter’s faces as they see the awesomeness I helped others create - but what have I done yet?  Nothing.  I seem to always be running in other directions.  I am at a loss for this... in more ways than one right now.

This just puts me out.  I love the Christmas spirit, until it has to do with the feeling that we must always be giving more.  More more more.  Buying more, saving more, rushing more....

I feel like I am just complaining.  But I am behind - and this isn't helping.

I am thankful for my family.  For two beautiful girls that love, obey, and enjoy even my singing.  Jo actually smiled at me as I sang today - that's big - it usually evokes less than enthusiastic responses.  Perhaps I am getting better or they are getting tone deaf.

I am thankful for my parents.  You always give above and beyond.  My daughter’s lives are full of your generosity - you often give what is in my heart to, and I haven't event told you.  Thank you.

I am thankful for a family of Easley's that we just spent a wonderful week with.  It left me closer to Christmas, but more settled and secure in a family that loves to love, shop, and eat.  We love Jesus and we love each other.  Thank you Jesus for the Boyer's and the Easley's!

I am even thankful for change.  I have friends who are missing their siblings - not because they live far off, but because they are gone to them.... perhaps death, perhaps other ways.  It breaks my heart.  This Christmas is a change.  Miles and Mellissa are starting their own family.  New traditions, new celebrations.  Miles learned that early, I left too early.  I have always hurt over his loss so young.  I always hated not having siblings and so I suppose felt so guilty when I graduated and left Miles at home.  I don't know why I had such a hard time letting that guilt go.  It still stings.

So he learned to let go, it's harder to be left than to leave.  This year he left.  He married a beautiful young lady, whom we rejoice with and love.  But it's a change.  A hard change... my little brother won't be here for Christmas.  And it hurts.  In a good way.  I'm happy for him, I hurt for my parents, for me, for the years to come that we get used to this.  That time marches and I am hapless to stop it.  That graves are snowed on tonight, bodies’ cold, bones left, and I hurt.  I hurt because of the humanness God created.  A humanness that seeks community and family.  That seeks to fulfill a hole empty by sin and by design.  Made larger by sin it burns to be filled.  Some nights it overflows.

But then, when, sometime, I hear the voice of God calling.  HE is ever present.  He is here... They, those dry bones, are not the loved ones, they are with HIM and rejoicing beside HIM.  I am the one who doesn't see the full picture.   This life, it’s a shadow.  My loneliness - its part by design... part by sin - fully filled by a savior.  God must enter this area, the guilt, the shame, the fear.  Jesus, please help me celebrate Christmas in a new year - in a new way - to take joy for each precious year we have together - not fear in the loss, fear in the fear of loss.  BUT in JOY in the NOW - in a baby’s first Christmas.  There is only one.  She will grow; laugh, change - and one day marry too.  Perhaps this is why my heart burns.  Mom, I never knew what you meant.  What you said - what Nini saw in you - now I wish I could share with you both.  To sit, drink coffee, and hold hands.  I miss you - both.

I'm afraid of this Christmas, because it is a first - and that can only happen once.  Tonight that seems overwhelming.  But, like college finals, the next day will come.  I can't stop time.  I don't want to.  I want to see their dreams come true.  I just don't know how to let go.

It's cold.  B's asleep and I should be.  Tomorrow plans must be made - too much to do in 24 hours.  I am tempted to give up the stuff easily moved, until I realize that's our family time and daughters.  So I can't - I must keep those solid, just because they seem to not mind being scooted right now, there is only one first.  There are photos to take.

If you read this, if you make it to the end.  If I have someone who happens to bother reading this long self indulgent cry - let's pray for each other.  Change can be hard, I never handle it well the first time.  In first grade I refused to change desks midyear - I liked where I sat.  I knew my way around, where everyone around we was.  But the teacher didn't let me stay, and neither does God.  I see it now.  I struggle now.  I am seeking now.  For me, for my family, for future generations.  For little girls that will grow up to leave me - to travel overseas and teach others from their bible books about God's love.

This tale doesn't end tonight.  Tomorrow comes.

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tadpoles, butterflies, yeast and dreams of Tuscani....

Jo just dropped her bottle again - that makes three times.  I don't pick up anything more than twice - (wait - kitchen timer just went off, I'll be right back!)  wow... honestly, it's fourty min later - really right back huh?

I used to be an avid journalier.  I have boxes of them from the time I could write.  My first (that I remember) was a hello kitty journal that locked! It locked and only I had the key - so very very cool.  I got it for being brave when a mole was removed off the end of my nose.  Yep, had it not been for that journal, I would have a witch mole (probably a hair too!) coming out of the tip of this button beauty!  ;)

All this to say, after we had our kitchen fire in 2001 (long story - God heals!) My right hand was damaged - and after a year or so of the compression gloves and therapy I had a working hand.  BUT my writing was a different story.  It ended.  I couldn't hold a pencil for more than a few seconds - that lasted years.  Even now I just can't write and flow like I once did.  SO I suppose I found a new idea - blogging! I began blogging somwhere around 2003 or so.  That was the first easleypark.blogspot.com - it has been locked down and is no longer in service.   I decided too much of Emma's adoption information was available for the world to see - so I opened this current page.  AND THEN I FOUND MYSPACE.... life goes on... facebook arives (mywhat?)... I am sucked into the facebook world.  BUT something is missing.  Something is just not right... oh! I am not journaling.

See, I guess I don't care who all reads this, I don't write it for others.  Let's call this Meg's personal therapy.  SO why (in the past couple years) have I just quite processing through word?  I don't know.  What I do know is right now I need it.  I need to talk - but not out loud.  My brain needs to process....

Feel free to process with me.

Feel free to call me nuts...

BUT if His eye is on the sparow - that my words, my thoughts, my heart means so much to HIM - I need to process in order to be a better mom, wife, friend...

ALL THIS TO SAY - IF my ramblings bug you, please don't feel forced to read - ignore me.  I will process anyway.

SO onto today's processing - oh wait, I already did! Wow... that feels great.  Thanks!
me

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