05 December 2009

Please Wait!

Which moment do I write about?

The moment of oh no, or oh no - or how about oh no.  Oh no B went to bed and the plants in the planters are still outside - never mind that it weighs in as a small elephant - but I managed to drag it inside.  I lost all all alllll my plants several years ago during an unfortunate winter move cross country.  Turns out when you park a moving van in a winter storm over night - it doesn't matter how toasty you are inside.  The plants still mush and disintegrate.  Completely.  Every last one... Now that I only have, say five, I'm a bit protective.

OR do I self therapy as to the thought crud.  Christmas is in three weeks.  We just had my birthday, we just had Thanksgiving.  I'm not ready for this.  I am ready for family, for fun, for my dear daughter’s faces as they see the awesomeness I helped others create - but what have I done yet?  Nothing.  I seem to always be running in other directions.  I am at a loss for this... in more ways than one right now.

This just puts me out.  I love the Christmas spirit, until it has to do with the feeling that we must always be giving more.  More more more.  Buying more, saving more, rushing more....

I feel like I am just complaining.  But I am behind - and this isn't helping.

I am thankful for my family.  For two beautiful girls that love, obey, and enjoy even my singing.  Jo actually smiled at me as I sang today - that's big - it usually evokes less than enthusiastic responses.  Perhaps I am getting better or they are getting tone deaf.

I am thankful for my parents.  You always give above and beyond.  My daughter’s lives are full of your generosity - you often give what is in my heart to, and I haven't event told you.  Thank you.

I am thankful for a family of Easley's that we just spent a wonderful week with.  It left me closer to Christmas, but more settled and secure in a family that loves to love, shop, and eat.  We love Jesus and we love each other.  Thank you Jesus for the Boyer's and the Easley's!

I am even thankful for change.  I have friends who are missing their siblings - not because they live far off, but because they are gone to them.... perhaps death, perhaps other ways.  It breaks my heart.  This Christmas is a change.  Miles and Mellissa are starting their own family.  New traditions, new celebrations.  Miles learned that early, I left too early.  I have always hurt over his loss so young.  I always hated not having siblings and so I suppose felt so guilty when I graduated and left Miles at home.  I don't know why I had such a hard time letting that guilt go.  It still stings.

So he learned to let go, it's harder to be left than to leave.  This year he left.  He married a beautiful young lady, whom we rejoice with and love.  But it's a change.  A hard change... my little brother won't be here for Christmas.  And it hurts.  In a good way.  I'm happy for him, I hurt for my parents, for me, for the years to come that we get used to this.  That time marches and I am hapless to stop it.  That graves are snowed on tonight, bodies’ cold, bones left, and I hurt.  I hurt because of the humanness God created.  A humanness that seeks community and family.  That seeks to fulfill a hole empty by sin and by design.  Made larger by sin it burns to be filled.  Some nights it overflows.

But then, when, sometime, I hear the voice of God calling.  HE is ever present.  He is here... They, those dry bones, are not the loved ones, they are with HIM and rejoicing beside HIM.  I am the one who doesn't see the full picture.   This life, it’s a shadow.  My loneliness - its part by design... part by sin - fully filled by a savior.  God must enter this area, the guilt, the shame, the fear.  Jesus, please help me celebrate Christmas in a new year - in a new way - to take joy for each precious year we have together - not fear in the loss, fear in the fear of loss.  BUT in JOY in the NOW - in a baby’s first Christmas.  There is only one.  She will grow; laugh, change - and one day marry too.  Perhaps this is why my heart burns.  Mom, I never knew what you meant.  What you said - what Nini saw in you - now I wish I could share with you both.  To sit, drink coffee, and hold hands.  I miss you - both.

I'm afraid of this Christmas, because it is a first - and that can only happen once.  Tonight that seems overwhelming.  But, like college finals, the next day will come.  I can't stop time.  I don't want to.  I want to see their dreams come true.  I just don't know how to let go.

It's cold.  B's asleep and I should be.  Tomorrow plans must be made - too much to do in 24 hours.  I am tempted to give up the stuff easily moved, until I realize that's our family time and daughters.  So I can't - I must keep those solid, just because they seem to not mind being scooted right now, there is only one first.  There are photos to take.

If you read this, if you make it to the end.  If I have someone who happens to bother reading this long self indulgent cry - let's pray for each other.  Change can be hard, I never handle it well the first time.  In first grade I refused to change desks midyear - I liked where I sat.  I knew my way around, where everyone around we was.  But the teacher didn't let me stay, and neither does God.  I see it now.  I struggle now.  I am seeking now.  For me, for my family, for future generations.  For little girls that will grow up to leave me - to travel overseas and teach others from their bible books about God's love.

This tale doesn't end tonight.  Tomorrow comes.